New MLB expansion team promotes culture of bicepsby Fred Hofstetter on July 1, 2018
A brand new MLB expansion team is creating an adorable punk identity while capitalizing on the latest market inefficiency.
The newest MLB expansion team is making a bold statement to firmly establish their flamboyant presence as the next winning force in Major League Baseball. Players and managers have rallied behind an initiative straight from the owner’s box intent on capitalizing on a glaring market inefficiency – the lack of exposure of skin between the shoulder and elbow.
“We’ve had many of our most trusted statisticians show empirical data from fascinating behavioral studies recommending removing any material covering the biceps and triceps area,” said the team’s president. “That particular area of the uniform seriously inhibits physical motion and has a major impact on every movement a player makes.”
Traditionally only forearms were considered crucial to remain exposed to maximize players’ litheness. But new research indicates removing clothing from the upper arm improves players’ bat speed, exit velocity, foot speed, and dexterity in the field.
The club’s front office brass insists the only barrier to break down is the stubbornness of traditional baseball fans and owners perpetually petrified of change.
“For years these dinosaurs have held players back with their insistence on sleeves,” said the team’s owner. “We’re out to change the culture and show fans what these players are really capable of.”
Sources say the team is also in the midst of research exploring the possibility of shorts, visors and crop tops.
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